an intimate encounter with the bathroom floor

I'd like to think that I'm a woman of my word.

Granted, sometimes that word is untimely and I take a while to do good on it, but hey, I try.  In regard to my last blogpost (you can read here), I am endeavoring to share with the world the true and honest facts about my struggle with depression and anxiety.  Mostly anxiety, because I'm at a point where I can make fun of my anxiety.  And, as we know, making fun of my problems is what this blog is all about.

So, without further ado, allow me to present to you my first experience with real anxiety, in full illustrated detail:


It was freshman year here at AU.  I was loving life and doing well, and to be quite honest I didn't have any worries.  I was definitely the obnoxiously carefree freshman.  That being said, apparently my body disagreed with my hakuna-matata mindset, because come finals week I began to have problems.

My first final was for ART105, which is our foundations art course here at AU.  Basic principles & concepts, though for a lot of us it was some of our first experiences within the art world.  I wasn't worried about my grades, but to be honest sometimes anxiety doesn't need a reason to pop up.  It just happens.  And whatever "just happened" that day, decided to "just happen" during the middle of my Foundations final.

For art exams we always met in a small auditorium-type room with stadium seating.  I was halfway through my exam when suddenly I noticed something.

I had never blacked out prior to this.  Apart from the time I got my wisdom teeth removed, I had never passed out or even really felt light headed, so the blazingly obvious signs and signals of an eminent blackout (such as darkening vision, lightheadedness, and loss of hearing) were foreign to me.  I just thought I was really hungry.

Thus, I blindly paraded through the remainder of my exam and stumbled in a somewhat inebriated fashion towards the platform where my professor was collecting exams.  I couldn't even make eye contact.

By this point I was visibly shaking and very aware of my fading vision, and finally the warning lightbulb in my head decided to flicker to life and I began to understand that I was about to pass out.  And in my hazy panic, I forgot all lessons of laying down and elevating one's feet.  In fact, in my brain the most logical thing for me to do was walk to the bathroom.  It was an arduous and befuddling journey.

After I took refuge in the ladies room, I ended up making a hasty camp in a dusty corner where I immediately curled up on the floor.  Words can't describe how much I didn't care.  I had my raincoat for a pillow, a water bottle in my backpack, and a toilet approximately five feet from my head.  Like an animal that had reached an undesirable but somewhat safe shelter from a predator, I felt moderately accommodated for whatever schemes my body had in store for me.

It was here that I spent the next hour trying not to black out and/or vomit.  Luckily for me, the linoleum floor and concrete walls provided a perfect environment to block my cell phone signal, so I resigned to try and sleep until I felt well enough to stand up and find help.  

Whilst in hell's waiting room, a lady came in to clean the bathroom.  I could hear her scrubbing toilets and mopping on the other side of the bathroom, and patiently waited to be discovered.

Contrary to my optimistic expectations, the woman mopped around me and left without saying a word.  In retrospect, I'm not sure why I didn't say anything either.  It was just awkward all around.

Eventually though, apparently cleaning lady's gossip of the Creature from the Linoleum Lagoon spread and one of the ladies who works in the building peeped in and inquired if I was okay.

Apparently, I was not convincing.  We were able to contact my sister Maris, who came by to (literally) pick me up and help me get back to the dorm.  All the while, of course, I was denying my apparent condition and blamed it on low blood sugar (a very real possibility, I might add), lack of sleep, etc.; basically anything to convince myself that I hadn't come down with the very same problem that plagues almost every other college student in America.

Anyways.  The moral of this story is: take care of yourself.  If you think something may be wrong, then don't try to brush it off.  Tell somebody what's going on.  Don't be stupid and deny your problems just because of fear or pride: these things will only prevent you from overcoming your issues.  My intimate encounter with the bathroom floor was the first of many anxiety reactions, and I honestly think I could have conquered my stress much sooner and much healthier if I had just accepted the fact that I have this problem.  Acknowledging the problem is not the same thing as succumbing to the problem.  In any case, I hope this post brought you a smile and, if you struggle with this issue or something similar, know that you're not alone and better days are coming.  If I can survive literally the crappiest beginning to my freshman finals week, then who knows what else can be conquered.

P.S. I made a 4.0 that semester. 

the pool party from hell

So... yeah.  Sorry it's been a while since I've posted.  People keep asking me when I'll blog again (primarily my sister... like 87% my sister).  First things first though... thoughts on the new header image?  Yeah, it's kinda crummy, but that's what you get when you try to match the rest of the blog.

As to the infrequency of my posting: it's not like things haven't been happening or like I don't have any funny stories to tell.  Lots of things happen.  And, as we all know, it takes upwards of 2 minutes for me to doodle out any of the given catastrophes that I call "drawings", so it hasn't been a matter of not having time to post.  Rather, it's been a matter of motivation.

I've thought a while about whether or not I really wanted to blog about this.  My intentions with this blog has typically been a place to share my poorly-rendered humor so I don't take myself too seriously.  I strongly believe in the medicine of making fun of yourself every now and then.  However, I occasionally have to face the facts that sometimes not everything is okay.

Pop quiz!  What do you get when you combine depression with anxiety?  

Answer: the pool party from hell.

Think of all the things you care about in your daily life: be it school, work, family, health, friends, religion, etc., and picture it as a beach ball.  Swimming in the pool of life, a beach ball is really fun to have around.  Mostly.

Enter: Anxiety.  Anxiety is like that pool game you used to play when you were a kid where you tried to sit on the beach ball and keep it underwater.  Except with anxiety, when you lose the game, there are often physical consequences.  It varies vastly from person to person, but for me, it's mostly passing out.  So trying to keep the beach ball under the pool isn't fun anymore.  It's just exhausting and frustrating and embarrassing.  

But with depression, things are a little different.  You don't have to worry about keeping the beach ball from floating to the top of the pool because the beach ball is already deflated.  It's no fun anymore, and it's hard to remember why you thought it was any fun in the first place.  You'll keep trying to fill it up, but it always leaks out again, and eventually you're so tired from trying to blow it back up that you just want anything to keep you above water.  But guess what?  Your beach ball is empty.

The real kicker to this pool party is when you combine those problems.  Because with anxiety, you'd give almost anything to keep the beach ball from floating so darn much, but with depression, you'll do almost anything to fill it up again.  

Sometimes it seems like the best way to manage this problem is just to live with a half-inflated beach ball.  It's not as hard to keep under, and yet it's still just enough to keep you semi-afloat.  But it's still no fun, and in the end, that's really not how a beach ball is supposed to be.

I guess that's the image I want to use to describe the lack of motivation I've been feeling: a limp, sorry, bounce-less beach ball.  There's been days and weeks when I just don't know why I'm doing anything, or why I'm alive, or why I care.  It's hard to justify to yourself the maintenance of a silly doodle blog when you're questioning if you have anything to live for.  But the thing is, I know those questions and feelings are just lies.  Depression and anxiety are just convenient devices to keep me from acknowledging that God is in control, God has a plan, and God is worth living for.  He is ultimate peace and ultimate joy.  

Therefore, I am happy to report that I have turned a corner in my depression, and I am working to leave my anxiety behind.  They might come back.  Heck, I felt like passing out yesterday, but I didn't.  I know He will provide for me, and He will care for me.  I believe I have found joy again.

So.  That's a lot of text and not a lot of doodles.  I appreciate your patience, and if you made it to the end, I want to thank you for letting me babble.  I'm learning that sometimes it's important to air out your problems to other people, or else they'll get too big in your head.  Which, by the way, is why I think some of the upcoming doodle posts will be about my past experiences with anxiety.  Yes, anxiety sucks, and yes, passing out sucks as well, but it makes for some darn funny stores afterwards.  Like the time I took a nap on the caf floor because I started blacking out (which was highly enlightening, by the way).  Finals week is fast approaching, but I will strive to make some headway in posting more often.  Until then, I sincerely wish you all a blessed and fantastical week.  Cheerio! 

the thing on my neck

Most people come back from spring break with weird tan lines.  I have something different to boast of.

please don't mock me for my shameful selfie skills

So, as you can see, I have two strange markings on my neck.  They showed up a week ago and I'm pretty sure it's an allergic reaction to my cat's flea medication.  That, or a very mild chemical burn (also potentially from said flea medication.  Don't judge me for cuddling my medicated cat).  Whatever it is, it's definitely not a tan (I didn't get one of those either.  AS IF YOU COULDN'T TELL).  It doesn't hurt or anything, its just this weird brownish/red mark on either side of my neck.  Sis got one like this last summer, and she said it took about 3 weeks to go away.  And hers was much smaller.  Great.

I'm not actually very self conscious about it, but it did occur to me today that I'm headed back to school in a few days with two very obvious marks on my neck that clearly were not there before I left for spring break.  Luckily I have devised a few convincing explanations as to how these marks got on my neck.

So yeah.  I might start wearing my hair down more for the next week or two because it honestly looks like some sort of Biblical disease, but I promise it's just some painless reaction of my stupidly sensitive skin.  And if you ask me how I got the weird bruise/rash/hickey on my neck, I can't promise that I actually won't give you one of the answers listed above.  I guess it's best just to laugh at it until it goes away.  Until then... I guess I'll just spend the next few weeks trying to telepathically will it off of my neck.  Goody.

P.s. In case you couldn't tell, I got bangs since the last time I posted.  So now perhaps I look slightly more like my poorly rendered cartoon counterpart.  

Ciao!  

he actually said it

I went to the grocery store today.  Right after my 8am, looking and feeling pretty ratchet, I was ready to buy myself some guacamole and some moose tracks and head my merry way.

Naturally, I started in the produce section.  Gotta get that guac.  I recognized the produce stocking dude.  Last week he had teased me for the quantity of grapefruit I had purchased, but he was nice enough.  However, I made the mistake.

I made eye contact.

And I'm not sure what about that accidental glance from across the lanes of produce communicated, but I was just interested in bagging my apples and heading to the frozen section ASAP for my moose tracks.  Produce guy was not having any of my ice cream vibes though.

He beelined for my aisle, and without breaking pace he looked me straight in the face, gave me the "sup" nod, and accompanied this ritual by adding: 

To which I smoothly replied:

... before shuffling off towards the frozen foods aisle. 

I will add, though, that whilst he was preoccupied stacking the potatoes, I got a free sample of some excellent pineapple from the sweet older guy behind the produce counter.  He sold me a package of fresh pineapple, kiwi, and mango.  Overall, I felt very healthy with my basket full of guacamole, apples, and assorted tropical fruit.

But you better know I still got them moose tracks. 

dream team

Many of you know that us Mabry twins are prone to having strange and vivid dreams.  From time to time we share these stories with the Facebook universe, and several people have given feedback saying that they find them amusing and would like to read more.  I thought I'd collect the few of mine that I could find and compile them here in my blog.

Also, I shall issue a challenge to my beloved twin Maris to do the same on her blog, because her dreams are seriously the best thing on the internet on any given day.

So, here they are, in no particular order: my bizarre subconscious.

Also, last but not least, this final gem featuring a gloriously perfect comment 

(creds to Samuel).

expectations vs. reality

Several months back, I prayed a prayer.  

I don't have a strong prayer life and I don't pretend to, but I had gotten to the point where I knew I had a problem with recognizing specific sins in my life, and had grown proud because of it.  So, in my own clumsy way and after trying to solve my own problems by myself, I finally turned to God for help.  I asked Him to humiliate me.  And yes, I know that sounds weird, especially because here and now we mostly associate the verb "humiliate" with embarrassment and not with it's noun, humility.  I asked God to make my wretched condition apparent to me, and that I might recognize my sins in order to fully move forward in a pursuit of a humble spirit.  

Which sounds all lovely and spiritual and upright, until you realize my attitude when I prayed said prayer.  

Basically, this was my expectation:

Yeaaaaahhhhhhhh that's how stuck up I am.  And whether I really was expecting God to let me off the hook or that's just all I was mentally and spiritually prepared for, either way the reality hit me and is continuing to hit me pretty hard.

Behold, the reality of how God responds when His children are snooty as heck.

Think God can't call you a piece of crap?  He's the only one that knows that calling me a piece of crap is a term of endearment compared to what I really am.  Isaiah 64:6 compares even our finest deeds to "filthy rags", so it's probably generous that the full disgusting details of our sinful nature can't be summarized in mere words.  Little mercies.

One would think that I might have absorbed a little ounce of humility after that slight revelation, but no.  I still held unrealistic and impossibly proud expectations.  After all, it's all cake and ice cream once God tells you you're a miserable human sinner, right?

Expectation:

Reality:

So yes, I've been stuck in a highly doubtful, insecure, tiny-violin-pity-party for a while now.  And the worse part is I've still only seen a fraction of all the problems I have.  I know there's more to come, and that God will continue to humble me with His greatness and my faults.  

At this point a lot of people would wrap up the post with a conclusive "I've just gotta keep trusting God and moving forward in my daily walk with Him!"

That would be great if I got to that point.  But honestly I kinda skipped right over that whole closure and spiritual peace thing and went straight to being frustrated and discouraged with God.

My problem is that I'm lazy and I end up complaining a lot about not being close to God.  I don't do what I know I need to be doing to encourage a stronger relationship with my God.  And you know what?  God knows it.

Basically there's no great way to end this post.  I felt like sharing some frustrations I've been going through, but I also knew that I needed to advertise the fact that I'm still in a pretty crumby place with God.  This isn't a spiritual brag, because if you actually spend two seconds with me you'll clearly be able to see that I still struggle with pride and false expectations about myself, my God, and everyone around me.  I haven't successfully practiced humility yet, and it's not something that will ever come naturally to me.  However, I can say that God has showed me a glimpse of what humility looks like.  It's not always smiles and "my pleasure" and cheerful consideration.  Sometimes it's looking at yourself and knowing that you deserve nothing but have been given everything.

So if you think of it, please pray for me.  I really need strength to grow in Christ, and I'm a sucker for distractions and procrastination.  I know that's not a very noble or sentimental way to end a blog post, but we've already established that I'm hopelessly flawed so let's just roll with it.

the nerd awakens

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS.

Maybe.  I dunno.  Not really spoilers, but I still wouldn't risk it.  JUST GO SEE THE NEW STAR WARS MOVIE OKAY.

Yesterday I had the immense privilege of going to see Star Wars: The Force Awakens with a group of friends.  I also had the immense privilege of being with Samuel, who graciously elected to sit next to me, despite the risk of being involuntarily slapped in the arm throughout the entire movie.

I will say, as far as theatrical landmarks go, this is the first movie I've ever eaten a salad whilst watching.  We had picked up lunch before the show and smuggled the food into the theater.  The lettuce was particularly crunchy and I just hoped the rest of the theater thought I was eating very crispy popcorn.

I LIKE VEGGIES OKAY.

Moving on.  I'd apologize for my lack of ability to draw theater seating but let's face it, it's just about as bad as everything else so let's just deal with it, shall we?

Observe the lettuce incident:

(That's supposed to be Samuel next to me by the way)

The rest of the movie basically just went as follows:

And by the end...

Guys, what can I say about this film.  It was just so so so good.  Probably the best movie I've seen this year, and I was pretty into Jurassic World when it came out in the summer.  My inner and outer nerd is very satisfied.  Job well done, and you really need to see it.  And if you already have, just go see it again.

Additionally, as I am typing this I noticed that my darling sister has pounced upon my bedroom once again with one of her picture-hiding schemes.  She has delicately taped a photo to the bottom of my bookshelf so that I can only see it when I sit down at my desk.  I have acquired said photo for your personal enjoyment:

My sister is a very beautiful individual.  

Happy nerding everyone!