Several months back, I prayed a prayer.
I don't have a strong prayer life and I don't pretend to, but I had gotten to the point where I knew I had a problem with recognizing specific sins in my life, and had grown proud because of it. So, in my own clumsy way and after trying to solve my own problems by myself, I finally turned to God for help. I asked Him to humiliate me. And yes, I know that sounds weird, especially because here and now we mostly associate the verb "humiliate" with embarrassment and not with it's noun, humility. I asked God to make my wretched condition apparent to me, and that I might recognize my sins in order to fully move forward in a pursuit of a humble spirit.
Which sounds all lovely and spiritual and upright, until you realize my attitude when I prayed said prayer.
Basically, this was my expectation:
Yeaaaaahhhhhhhh that's how stuck up I am. And whether I really was expecting God to let me off the hook or that's just all I was mentally and spiritually prepared for, either way the reality hit me and is continuing to hit me pretty hard.
Behold, the reality of how God responds when His children are snooty as heck.
Think God can't call you a piece of crap? He's the only one that knows that calling me a piece of crap is a term of endearment compared to what I really am. Isaiah 64:6 compares even our finest deeds to "filthy rags", so it's probably generous that the full disgusting details of our sinful nature can't be summarized in mere words. Little mercies.
One would think that I might have absorbed a little ounce of humility after that slight revelation, but no. I still held unrealistic and impossibly proud expectations. After all, it's all cake and ice cream once God tells you you're a miserable human sinner, right?
Expectation:
Reality:
So yes, I've been stuck in a highly doubtful, insecure, tiny-violin-pity-party for a while now. And the worse part is I've still only seen a fraction of all the problems I have. I know there's more to come, and that God will continue to humble me with His greatness and my faults.
At this point a lot of people would wrap up the post with a conclusive "I've just gotta keep trusting God and moving forward in my daily walk with Him!"
That would be great if I got to that point. But honestly I kinda skipped right over that whole closure and spiritual peace thing and went straight to being frustrated and discouraged with God.
My problem is that I'm lazy and I end up complaining a lot about not being close to God. I don't do what I know I need to be doing to encourage a stronger relationship with my God. And you know what? God knows it.
Basically there's no great way to end this post. I felt like sharing some frustrations I've been going through, but I also knew that I needed to advertise the fact that I'm still in a pretty crumby place with God. This isn't a spiritual brag, because if you actually spend two seconds with me you'll clearly be able to see that I still struggle with pride and false expectations about myself, my God, and everyone around me. I haven't successfully practiced humility yet, and it's not something that will ever come naturally to me. However, I can say that God has showed me a glimpse of what humility looks like. It's not always smiles and "my pleasure" and cheerful consideration. Sometimes it's looking at yourself and knowing that you deserve nothing but have been given everything.
So if you think of it, please pray for me. I really need strength to grow in Christ, and I'm a sucker for distractions and procrastination. I know that's not a very noble or sentimental way to end a blog post, but we've already established that I'm hopelessly flawed so let's just roll with it.
