So... yeah. Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. People keep asking me when I'll blog again (primarily my sister... like 87% my sister). First things first though... thoughts on the new header image? Yeah, it's kinda crummy, but that's what you get when you try to match the rest of the blog.
As to the infrequency of my posting: it's not like things haven't been happening or like I don't have any funny stories to tell. Lots of things happen. And, as we all know, it takes upwards of 2 minutes for me to doodle out any of the given catastrophes that I call "drawings", so it hasn't been a matter of not having time to post. Rather, it's been a matter of motivation.
I've thought a while about whether or not I really wanted to blog about this. My intentions with this blog has typically been a place to share my poorly-rendered humor so I don't take myself too seriously. I strongly believe in the medicine of making fun of yourself every now and then. However, I occasionally have to face the facts that sometimes not everything is okay.
Pop quiz! What do you get when you combine depression with anxiety?
Answer: the pool party from hell.
Think of all the things you care about in your daily life: be it school, work, family, health, friends, religion, etc., and picture it as a beach ball. Swimming in the pool of life, a beach ball is really fun to have around. Mostly.
Enter: Anxiety. Anxiety is like that pool game you used to play when you were a kid where you tried to sit on the beach ball and keep it underwater. Except with anxiety, when you lose the game, there are often physical consequences. It varies vastly from person to person, but for me, it's mostly passing out. So trying to keep the beach ball under the pool isn't fun anymore. It's just exhausting and frustrating and embarrassing.
But with depression, things are a little different. You don't have to worry about keeping the beach ball from floating to the top of the pool because the beach ball is already deflated. It's no fun anymore, and it's hard to remember why you thought it was any fun in the first place. You'll keep trying to fill it up, but it always leaks out again, and eventually you're so tired from trying to blow it back up that you just want anything to keep you above water. But guess what? Your beach ball is empty.
The real kicker to this pool party is when you combine those problems. Because with anxiety, you'd give almost anything to keep the beach ball from floating so darn much, but with depression, you'll do almost anything to fill it up again.
Sometimes it seems like the best way to manage this problem is just to live with a half-inflated beach ball. It's not as hard to keep under, and yet it's still just enough to keep you semi-afloat. But it's still no fun, and in the end, that's really not how a beach ball is supposed to be.
I guess that's the image I want to use to describe the lack of motivation I've been feeling: a limp, sorry, bounce-less beach ball. There's been days and weeks when I just don't know why I'm doing anything, or why I'm alive, or why I care. It's hard to justify to yourself the maintenance of a silly doodle blog when you're questioning if you have anything to live for. But the thing is, I know those questions and feelings are just lies. Depression and anxiety are just convenient devices to keep me from acknowledging that God is in control, God has a plan, and God is worth living for. He is ultimate peace and ultimate joy.
Therefore, I am happy to report that I have turned a corner in my depression, and I am working to leave my anxiety behind. They might come back. Heck, I felt like passing out yesterday, but I didn't. I know He will provide for me, and He will care for me. I believe I have found joy again.
So. That's a lot of text and not a lot of doodles. I appreciate your patience, and if you made it to the end, I want to thank you for letting me babble. I'm learning that sometimes it's important to air out your problems to other people, or else they'll get too big in your head. Which, by the way, is why I think some of the upcoming doodle posts will be about my past experiences with anxiety. Yes, anxiety sucks, and yes, passing out sucks as well, but it makes for some darn funny stores afterwards. Like the time I took a nap on the caf floor because I started blacking out (which was highly enlightening, by the way). Finals week is fast approaching, but I will strive to make some headway in posting more often. Until then, I sincerely wish you all a blessed and fantastical week. Cheerio!
